so long…

last night i had this dream:  i was on a ferry, a historic ferry, headed out of the key west bight.  i’m not sure where we went, but it included a lot of chaos, and falling into the water for a while, where pods of thousands of giant manatees swam around me at high speeds. somehow, i made it back to the boat.  upon returning to the key west bight, i sat up on the highest level and could see dolphins, hundreds of them, following the boat.  i got off the boat into a crowd at the terminal, and saw this fellow i presumably knew, quite happy, because he got a job on a new boat, “discovery,”  and had he known i was interested in going out on the water, i could have avoided the masses and gone on the “discovery” for free.  the owners of “discovery” where good people, he said.  in fact, they just gave him the day off, and paid him, too, so he could rest.  and, he said, the dolphins always follow them.

so if this seem like a strange segue, perhaps it is.  but i think there’s something to that dream about freedom, discovery, flow, love and consciousness wrapped up in it….. which has me thinking about how i’ve been using my “free” time lately, what works, what doesn’t seem to be, and what new things i might try to create better flow.

next week marks the year anniversary of this blog, which i started as a joural of sorts for seava, and a way to dialogue with her while pregnant as well as a way to explore questions & discover answers.  but, as with all things and their beginnings, there must be endings, too.

i’ve been struggling to balance out the various parts of myself, feeling really dis-integrated.  i have held out, hoping for flow, and pushed onward, motored by fumes.  i love and care for our high-energy, power-napping (maximum one hour, usual fifteen minutes) babe all day.  the house is often mostly clean, the laundry done and put away. i more often than not make three nice meals a day, tend to our pets, and take a walk each day.

my yoga mat is in the corner collecting dust, i have two unfinished books that have been “almost done” for longer than i care to admit, three new children’s books underway, dance clothes that are packed away, choreography that i made up and have since forgotten for a dance film, and so many photographs on my computer that it is in jeaporady of crashing.

the worst of it is, when i get on the computer to blog, i inevitably veer off course, looking at other people’s blogs or finding cool new possibilities for creative projects.  in my old life, these thigns would be perfectly acceptable for me.  no problem to skip meals and stay up til two or three in the morning.  no problem to daydream about a surf trip to indonesia, spawned by happening upon some travel blog.  no problem to try clay-bodied doll-making or painting with beeswax or creating acrylic transfers atop my images on canvas.  everything, i find, is possible.

but…another thing i have found is this:  all in due time.  so, to save myself the invariable stress of wanting to do it all in a time where it just ISN’t possible, i am letting it all go.    well, not it all.  just the internet part.  i’m taking a break from the cyber world for a while, and will relish in the little things without thinking at all about how i will document those little moments for later.  i will simply live it, and give what i have to what is right in front of my face:  my girl, my partner, my pets, my friends.  living things, right here, right now, that deserve me (and i deserve) more than all the exploring in this virtual world will ever offer.

so until later………………………………..  be well.  love often.  laugh much.  xo

what it must mean when people say they grow fast…

finally, it rains. i rise in the dark to let the cats in, move

last night’s laundry into the dryer, change sheets

where the babe has soaked herself.  her body an ‘x’

at the center where we sleep, where she sleeps

now, the lull of rain a lullaby, a sweet wet kiss

on dry dry land.  last week, fires everywhere,

buildings burned to the ground.  plants limp

in their pots though i try to remember to water them

each day. the last of our three cats comes to the door,

his old body damp with rain.  he purrs at my feet

while i rub him dry, then trots to his dish like he’s done for

fourteen years of mornings.  before i can bend to fill them, it

stops. the rain, i mean, it stops. gray goes azure, palm fronds still

on their trees, patter on the tin roof slowing and then silent, gurgle

and yawn of a babe in the other room, stretching her solid body

from ‘x’ to ‘i,’ then calling out for me to help her rise.

mystery meal mondays…

mystery as in, i have no idea what it’s going to be, but it has to be something different than the five things i tend to make over and over (and over).  coming from a gal who’s former idea of a meal consisted of carrots, hummus and some crackers (ingested while working at the computer or riding a bike to and fro various projects), this whole make a new meal every week is quite the task.  and it’s helped me feel a little more creative, artful, in my day to day life.  so far, i’ve kept my vigil (aside from last week, with a visit from auntie ricci and a meal out at the local cuban joint).

but sometimes, im so darn tired i can hardly think of making toast, never mind a whole new meal.  trying to get out of cooking one night last week, i said to rob, “do you want licci’s reftovers?”  he wittily responded that the leftovers were cuban, not chinese.

tonight, there are no reftovers to offer.  and my head is a groggy, foggy bog.  what, dear readers, should i make? what are your standard five things that seem to get you through the week?

all is song & dance…

seava & i had the great pleasure of going to see the keys chorale yesterday, featuring some of my most favorite dancers on the planet.  the key west contemporary dance company graced the stage while the chorale sang bernstein’s chichester psalms.  utterly gorgeous.

the chorale rounded it up with a medley by everyone’s favorite musical, west side story.  i can’t believe i knew almost all the songs but had never seen it.  rob surprised us with the cd today.  i suspect we’ll be creating our own musical, right here at home.. meantime, here’s a little treat, straight from the source….something’s coming.

wear a blue scarf tomorrow for women & peace in Afghanistan…

this just in, from my very amazing aunt Theresa deLangis, working in Kabul with UNIFEM… and is currently the “story of the week” on the Ministry of  Foreign Affairs’ website (mfa.gov.af).…

Dear Friends and Colleagues,

We invite you to show your support to the women of Afghanistan on March 8th, International Women’s Day.

On March 8th, Afghan women, wearing sky blue scarves, will come out of their homes to pray for peace with justice in Afghanistan. In what promises to be the largest Afghan women-led peace action in the country’s history, the women will stand united together to demonstrate Afghan women’s call to participate as equal partners in building peace with justice in Afghanistan.

In Afghanistan, something as simple as coming out of your home can be deadly dangerous if you are a woman.  Many women human rights advocates of this country receive death threats for the work they do on behalf of women. Some, tragically, have been assassinated.

Yet, more than 15,000 women are expected to come out on March 8th—including in Kandahar, where girls were recently attacked with acid on their way to school. In making history, this is the first women-led peace action in Afghanistan, uniting women under a common vision of the future.

UNIFEM Afghanistan has been honored to support the Praying for Peace grassroots action. We now invite you to do the same.

Please show the women of Afghanistan your support on March 8th, International Women’s Day:

-          Wear a BLUE SCARF on March 8th, and encourage your friends to do the same.
-          Send photos of your friends and yourself wearing blue scarves to p4pwithjustice@gmail.com for posting to the P4P blogsite and Facebook page.
-          Visit the Facebook page at http://www.facebook.com/p.php?i=622940639&k=36CX63Q53Z3M51DFVJ56W4 to leave your message of support.
-          Read the P4P blog at http://www.peacewithjustice4Afghanistan.blogspot.com for more information about the life of women in Afghanistan.

On behalf UNIFEM-Afghanistan, thank you for your support and Happy International Women’s Day!

buddah baby & some really great artsy blog sites

this is my greatest meditation practice these days.  this little being helps me stay present, awake, aware, and provides me with the biggest mirror into all my stuff, joyful and otherwise.  mostly we dance and sing show tunes that we make up as we go.  other times i wonder how im going to get through the day im so darn tired and sorta crabby. this girl is no sitting quiet meditation.  she likes to be up and at it (and i’ve got muscles to prove it…without getting on my yoga matt at all!). though i can happily say, she’s sitting up on her own now, only toppling over occasionally.  and self-entertaining a bit more, too.  which, i hope, will allow for me to blog a bit more in WORDS and pictures. i’ve been really missing the writing part of my life, and the art-making, too…

which brings me to some very cool blog sites i found recently, thanks to an article in mothering magazine.  for artsy mammas out there, there’s wonderful and inspiring blogs by amanda blake soule, sally shim, amy karol, stephanie congdon barnes, & eren san pedro. dig through their sites and you’ll find a few more that you may love.  i found shutter sisters and artsy crafty babe, and i’m sure with a little more reading, i’ll find plenty more.    dig in, and get inspired!

what some stale crackers can lead to…

here birdy birdy…

windblown…

to the compass rose…

further along…

lamp posts from a time gone by?…

peculiar pelican…

but perfect & pretty, too…

moonphase: 66% …

oh, moon, how you move us…

a visit from auntie ricci…

out about town

sailor in training (learning to tie knots)

at sea with seava & auntie ricci

what’s your flavor?

what do you mean i can't have any yet?

come back soon, auntie ricci, & we'll have a cone together!

hungry girl, part 3…

that would be me, otherwise known as HOOVER.  so much for the macrobiotic ways of chewing food 50 times per bite.  it’s all about getting it in as quickly as possible so i can fill my hungry belly before the baby starts a’squawkin’.    i didn’t realize how bad it had gotten until company came.  i finished everything on my plate before they’d even put their napkins on their laps.  now that’s just gross.

at least i’m eating relatively healthy things.  no longer pining for quarts of ice cream.  just the ocassional cone.  every mamma deserves one every now and then, don’t you think?

hungry girl part 2…

so in light of my previous post, i have to come back to the whole “baby led weaning” thing, and how the name of it can be a bit confusing.  weaning, to most, would seem to refer to weaning the baby off of the breast, which is not at all where i’m at.  my pediatrician, and most importantly my instincts, tell me that i ought to give seava mamma’s milk for at least a year, if not longer.

as a matter of fact, breastfeeding, which used to make my toes curl into the hard wood floors, is now one of the most enjoyable parts of motherhood for me.  i love the sweet connect, her little smile when she takes a break and looks up at me, her happy “talking” while she eats, and knowing she is getting all of her nutrients without me having to “do” anything.  and seava, who is always getting comments about how darn big she is, must be enjoying it, too, and getting all her growing body needs.  i find that alone to be amazing and reason enough to keep the ol’ boobs available to her every whim and fancy (even if they are terribly lopsided! ug!).

but she IS taking active interest in the things we are putting in our own mouths.  and i feel like  a shmoe not sharing.  she wants, and i want to give.   so maye i’m not doing the “baby led weaning” thing right….but i intend on giving her food in many forms, whether it’s a broccoli florette or mamma’s liquid love.

thanks, miss n., for helping me clarify!!!!!!!!!

hungry girl…

the time has come– she has coordinated her arms to reach when she wants something.  quite cute when it’s for one of us– a little unnerving when it’s for anything and everything that’s on the kitchen table.  her curiosity is piqued.  already i have caved in to giving her sips of my water or herbal cold tea drinks from the glass (half of which she slobbers down her shirt).  i suspect in the coming weeks, we will be delving into the realm of solid foods.  but how?

since i believe that your health is largely derived by the foods you eat (or don’t!) the jarred foods we see at the grocery store are not an option.  i can’t imagine her first foods being filled with preservatives.  we thought about steaming and pureeing our own “baby food”….  simply setting aside some of what we eat and sticking it into a food processor.  only we don’t have a food processor, so i was tinkering around on the web trying to see what’s out there.

plenty.  enough, in fact, to make your head spin.  who knew food processors came in 31 different sizes and 62 different brands, most with bpa’s that could leach into your food?  sheesh.

and let’s not even mention the gazillions of baby food cookbooks out there.  it’s a whole booming market.  just add the word “baby” in front of the title, and you have a potential best-seller.  conscious parents, after all, want to feed their kids the best they can.

so here’s a thought:  why not feed them what you yourself eat?  sounds pretty simple,  doesn’t it?   i found, via the blog of one reader who kindly commented on my previous post, a method called “baby-led weaning:  the fuss-free way to introduce solid foods,”  developed by a woman named Gil Rapley.    her website says:

“Baby-led weaning is a common-sense, safe, easy and enjoyable approach to feeding your baby.

Most people’s image of weaning babies on to solid foods is of mixing up baby rice or carrot puree, taking aim with the spoon and putting it into the baby’s mouth. Most of it comes back out and the parent then scrapes it back up and tries again. And so they go on, until one of them gets fed up.

Baby-led weaning is different. It’s a way of introducing solid foods that allows the baby to feed herself – there’s no spoon feeding and no purees. The baby sits with the rest of the family at mealtimes, and joins in when she is ready. Her parents offer her food in sizes and shapes that she can handle and she feeds herself with her fingers, choosing what to eat, how much and how quickly.

All healthy babies can do this. They don’t need their parents to decide when weaning should start and they don’t need to be spoon-fed; they just need to be given the opportunity to feed themselves.

Baby-led weaning allows babies to grow into confident, skilled and happy eaters.”

i think this might be our route…Seava is a strong-willed, curious little being who seems to really dislike restrain (just try strapping her into her carseat and you’ll see what i mean) and wants, like most babies, to explore her world on her “own”…. i’m sure we’ll be posting some funny food photos as we delve into this process.  and i’ll get back to you on what finger foods seem most tasty to a six month old.  meantime, if anyone can reccommend what foods worked for their wee ones, would be glad to hear all about it! 

ask dr. sears…

my new favorite link, helping quell any concerns over ear-tugging (associated with teething, not earaches, in infants), “constipation” (quite normal for an infant to not “go” for a week at a time!) or any other issue that gets my mamma bells ringing–

askdrsears.com

from a family of well-respected pediatricians, right on target with attachment style parenting and practical sensibilities for the physical, emotional and mental well-being of our children.

picture this

al sachs photography

sometimes you just got to play hide and seek…

heavy hearted.  i’ve been staring at this post template for over an hour, thoughts drifting around, trying to collect exactly what it is i want to say.  there is no reason for me to feel blue, but i do.  perhaps it is just exhaustion.  feeling unable to bridge or integrate the worlds around me: mother, partner, artist, friend.

last night we all went out for dinner, to our visiting friend’s favorite mexican restaurant.   i was burnt out on seava’s fussing.  a new tooth coming in, her first.  she was tired, too.  my well-meaning friends attempted words of comfort.  i barked, balked. then retreated deeper inside myself, feeling rotten.

when we got home, i lay the babe down to sleep, climbed under the covers together.  fed her until she was content, her little arm waving wildly about.  that funny little arm.  but she was not sleepy anymore.  she wanted to sing.

i taught her how to play hide and seek under the covers.  her eyes grew huge when i pulled the covers over her head.  then she squealed when i pulled them off.  i’d cover her up and she’d make her way free, laughing. the girls came in, and she did her little dances for them, flirting.  and then the house grew quiet, we all tucked in.  and i was happy again, safe, still, my two loves snuggled by.

that said, im going to go lay back down.  i rise early when she sleeps, hoping to get some things done.  but when all is said and done, i’d rather be snuggled up under the covers with her.  ah, the push/pull of motherhood………

time flies when you’re having fun…

& since a picture says a thousand words, here’s a few thousand to remember the fun by…

just before the fabulous wedding

the cool photo booth at dave & ashlie's beautiful wedding...

abby loving me up all the way from chattanooga

& angie, too!

happy attacks with a diaper wipe

exhausted! finally...

& lest we forget:  girl’s night with penny at louie’s upstairs, outings to elio hinds & kim narencivicius’s art openings, mamma’s reading of her first children’s story (written for me!)  at the studios of key west, a photo shoot with carol tedesco, & poetry day with some key west poet ladies….

cupid………….

the girl's got wings, i tell you.....

bedhead baby

i love mornings.  my girl’s all smiles, and doesn’t give a hoot what her hair looks like.

want some cheese to go with that whine?

even as i wrote the words “i’m surprised at how easy being a mother is” yesterday in the questionnairre for the newspaper, i could feel the rumblings of something that would come back and whip me in the ass.  it just seemed, in a small way, too smug to write those words, even if in many ways it is true.

so here’s the new challenge:  my baby has adopted a very bad habit that DRIVES ME FREAKING CRAZY.  she whines when she’s hungry.

gone are the days of the fist in the mouth to let me know, for now everything is an object to be put in her mouth.  gone is the little “eh, eh, eh,” indicating her hunger, too.  she’s in full babble mode so there’s really no telling what word is the cue for her ailing appetite.  no, she has got it down to her own science.  full blown WHINING.

sigh.

and yet i am perpetuating this behavior by responding to it.  (but if i don’t, the whining turns into screaming).

oh, what’s a mamma to do?

Keys Weekly baby issue coming soon………

in celebration of the editor’s baby-to-be, the good folks at Keys Weekly are putting together a baby issue, and yours truly has submitted the following answers to the following questions……  made me think a little.  which says a lot for me these days, where thinking comes at a premium.

Baby Questions:

1. Are you originally from the Keys? If not, where were you before you relocated? What brought you here, and how long have you lived in the Keys?

I am originally from Miami, but moved here from Brooklyn. My mother lives here, and I would visit her between breaks from grad school. Eventually, tired of the city grind, I moved down here to regroup before heading back to California, where I’d once lived and loved it. Needless to say, I missed Key West and came back, and have been here for over ten years.

2. What challenges have you faced during your pregnancy in the Keys (i.e. any lack of services – driving long distances to see your doctor, ordering baby strollers or supplies online – you’ve found thus far)? What has been your biggest challenge?

I found the lack of the KIND of services I wanted in the Keys very disheartening, mostly regarding care and preparation. I opted for a home waterbirth (with secret desires to give birth in the ocean if the conditions were right), but had to import a midwife from central Florida, as there are no midwives here that will do homebirths because of their contracts with the hospital (which is really $### up, if you ask me!). My prenatal care provider was one of the best, however (at CHI in Marathon, Marina Alzugary), even if I did have to drive an hour north to see her. It was totally worth it, and the Keys would greatly benefit to having more providers with her kind of ethic and attitude. The other benefit to these challenges was that it encouraged me to do my own “homework,” so to speak, so I dove into the internet research and discovered a lot of great information, which I could then link to my blog (www.amammainthemaking.com) for other women who might be interested.

I found researching and purchasing things on line quite enjoyable and informative (since i knew relatively nothing about babies before getting pregnant! seriously, a year ago i actually looked up how to change a baby’s diaper and how often they ought to be bathed!), so it didn’t really bother me to not have those products at my fingertips here. Most of what is sold, in my opinion, is pretty unnecessary anyhow. They market a lot of junk to parents under the auspices that the baby really needs it, which they don’t. I found the lack of clothing choices for my expanding belly a bit uninspiring. I think i wore the same three pairs of yoga pants all summer long along with some very stretchy tank tops. I looked about as bad as i felt (for me, being pregnant sucked. and i kept thinking i ought to be feeling all glowy and excited, which made me feel worse).

My BIGGEST challenge during my pregnancy? Going into labor during a hurricane, having to chuck all of my careful plans for a homebirth due to the hospital closing (the only day it did all year!) and then having to labor in a car and give birth in a really lousy random hospital with insensitive staff that I had to remind how to treat a patient properly. Which, to say the least, I was not especially up for after giving birth, but managed to do so anyway. This and the fact that I was terribly ill with morning sickness throughout most of my pregnancy and went into total hermit mode, which often made me feel very lonely and nervous.

3. What have you found thus far to be overwhelmingly positive? (Some brand new mothers are happy to have a close network of friends down here they may not have had in other places. Others have told me they had a hard time finding other mothers with the same questions and challenges.) In other words, have you found it beneficial to have a baby in a small town?

I LOVVVVVVE having Seava here in Key West. Though I only have a couple of friends with children themselves, I have a really supportive network of people who are very interested in Seava and the well-being of my new family. It’s amazing how many people want to stop by and shower her with love and gifts and see how we all are. It’s really touching to be in this sort of community where so many people care. Of course, I have my mother here, too, which is a huge bonus.

Also, it is so nice to be able to just walk anywhere with her in the sling at a given moments notice. People here are pretty laid-back about me brining the baby with me everywhere, which encourages me to get out and about more than I might somewhere else. We can go to the beach on minute, and to an art gallery the next. I get to fuse my interests of art and marine science with her learning, which is a plus and keeps both baby and I interested. And you can’t beat the weather! No bundling up for us, which I think helps make for a relaxed and happy baby.

I also find motherhood surprisingly easy (now that we’re past the colic!) and a beautiful reminder of how to be very present and keep the love flowing unconditionally. Seava, just by being herself, is helping me become a more creative, appreciative being. And because I don’t feel so pressured to accomplish everything the way I once did, I have learned to relax a little. She is my greatest accomplishment, and yet I didn’t stand there throughout my pregnancy saying, “ok, today I will grow her ears, tomorrow, her heart.” I didn’t have to try at all. What a lesson.

4. Is this your first pregnancy? If not, what did you learn in your first pregnancy that you applied in your second pregnancy (i.e. new methods, changing your behaviors, what did you do differently the second time around?)

Yes, this is my first pregnancy. And probably my last. I’m no spring chicken.

5. What is the quirkiest thing that you’ve experienced during your pregnancy that you wouldn’t mind sharing with our readers?

Aside from the typical tendency of total strangers coming up to rub my belly (which I really didn’t mind) or tell me how huge I was (which I minded) and the public episodes of uncontrollable gas (which were horribly embarrassing), I would have to say the quirkiest thing I experienced during my pregnancy were the strange looks I’d get from acquaintances when they’d find out I was pregnant. They didn’t even know I had a boyfriend (whom I’d met online and lived in Connecticut). That’s the downside of living on a small island. EVERYBODY knows your business, even when you don’t want them to. Thank god I have a sense of humor and can laugh at it all.

things to remember…

seava dreams

i love to watch her sleep.  i get to stop and memorize her, hoping i won’t forget her.  already i cannot remember her before she was today, see pictures of her when she was brand new and am amazed at how much she has already changed.  i know if i don’t write it all down now, i might forget the things that i love so much about her right now.  her funny little hand gestures, the way she holds her hands together, fingers weaving in and out of one another, like she is contemplating something, her hands on the pulse of world peace or maybe just the thought of her next snack.  how she stops and smiles up at me while feeding, then goes back to the task at hand, her little arm waving wildly about, sometimes stopping to touch my face, or grabbing hold of the swirl of hair on the crown of her head, or scratching the quilt so that it makes a crinkling sound, sometimes resting on my chest, her little palm facing my heart, hooking her foot against my thigh, like im her personal leather recliner.   or how happy she is in the morning upon waking, and how happy i am to be able to greet her. the little monkey sounds she makes, and the garble of “words” that stream from her sometimes to her stuffed pig, to me, to anyone who will listen or nobody at all.  especially late at night, just before bed.  and the way her eyebrows rise up when she’s excited, and her arms and legs go akimbo. how she laughs when i dance her upside down, or tickle the inside of her neck.  her little abs of steel from all the crunches, as she tries to raise herself while laying down. her tremendous farts that make rob and i laugh or wonder who did it.  her happy splashes in the hot tub.  the spray of fine black hairs at the nape of her back, and nearby, the birthmark that looks like a lopsided heart or a wave or a fin of my favorite marine mammal. the pink wisps across her eyelids.  how closely she snuggles me while sleeping, how she flings her arm towards me while napping and sensing i am trying to sneak away, how she has already mastered the “fake” cry and ocassionaly plays with the fake cough.  her big feet and her funny cankles, the dimples on her knuckles, elbows, and cheeks.  how amazed i am that this little person grew perfectly inside of me and now grows on the outside, and i get to witness all of this beauty, every day.  may she always stay safe, may she be happy more often than not.  may she outlive me.  may i never forget to remember these “little” things that her four and a half month self is treating me with each day.